To my future husband, I’m not waiting for you. 

The past 24 years of my life would be a waste if I waited to meet you to truly begin living. These stories I tell and teasing fairy tales are previews to the chapters I’ll write when I’m with you. But you’re not here now, and I need to know that I can be okay without you. I need to be alone in a new city, and I need to not rely on you to take care of me. I need to work my own job, pay my own bills, and burn my own meals before I burn them for you.

One day I’ll be your wife and a mother, but you’re not here now, so I’m taking this time to live as a whole person and become myself. I don’t want you to be my better half, and I don’t want you to complete me. I want to become more than I already am when I meet you.

One day I’ll lay my head on your shoulder, but I need to know that I can stand on my own, and I am. I hope soon we’ll get to walk hand in hand toward heaven, but until you’re here I can’t be lost without you.

I’m building a life the only way I know how, and I’m happy to continue even with a few missing pieces. No, I don’t really know much about building in the literal sense, and I could have probably used you to hang my curtain rods. Yes, I hammered them into the wall with three tiny nails  because I didn’t have a drill bit and that’s all I could find. But I need you to know that although slightly inefficient, I’m not helpless without you.

I’m here without you and I am independent and strong. I’ve taken my life and my heart into my own hands, and you won’t find me cowering in a corner when you arrive.

I want to be amazing for you. But since you’re not here, I’m amazing for myself and that’s enough for now.

Tonight I might watch Kate and Leopold and wish for you when I fall asleep. But I’ll wake up to another Sunday, drive to church, and be happy because I have friends and Jesus (and coffee) in a wonderful, beautiful life.

To my future husband….I’m not waiting for you. But I can not wait until you are here.



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